Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2008. I hope 2009 is much better for me.I am sure I am not the only one who is struggling financially. Times are tight for so many people. I need to be thankful for what I have and trust that God will take care of me. Hopefully something will change soon. I have a hard time dealing with the stress. Keith did say that he will be heading to Grand Haven to work next month, that does help us financially. He gets extra money for going and he will be working many more hours. Thank God. Now, just to relax and not worry. We always seem to work things out, but I still stress myself out to the point of making myself sick. Everyone tells me how bad the stress is on my health, especially right now. I did find a bible verse that I have to say... It Is My Favorite
TRUST THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL LEAD THE PATHS STRAIGHT.
Trusting in the Lord can be hard for me at times. I am going to keep this verse close, as it reminds me that I need to stop worrying, stressing, feeling scared and letting my mind wonder, what next? how long before it comes back?. I am not in control of what happens to me. It is already planned out. I need to just live one day at a time. I need to be thankful I am breathing today!!!!
Well, I did get my implants put in on Tuesday the 30th. Hopefully this will be my last surgery for a very long time. I have had my share of being put under, that's for sure. They are alot smaller than when I had the tissue expander's in. The nurse told me that Dr. Ali could not put the 600cc in (that is how much he filled my tissue expander's). I guess my skin was to thin. He put 450cc in, which is fine with me. That is a bit confusing to me though. Why did he fill me so full in the first place?? They do look different, my cancer breast looks great, my cancer free side looks weird. A bit like a "square" shape and I have wrinkling on that side. I did mention it to my doctor,He says they look "good." hummmmm. I am not sure how I feel about it. A part of me feels that I have waited a long time for my implants and they do not look as good as I expected, then a part of me thinks, it is just boobs, move on and start living my life. With five surgeries behind me, I surely do not want to go through another one. I do feel more normal now, even though I have long scars, no nipple and they look so different, am I weird or what????. Doctor Ali told Keith at the hospital that I will not be able to have a nipple. When I saw him Tuesday he said we will see in about four months, maybe he will be able to give me a nipple. I will start the tattooing part of my reconstruction then also. When I went in for the surgery Dr. Ali did say that the small area on my right breast, that was scabbed over, still was not healing and it was ready to split open. He had to cut that area away during surgery. It is the same area that did not heal before. But all and all my fifth ( and God willing, my last) surgery went fine.With this part of my journey over, I do in a way feel relieved.Keith does not seem to have a problem with my breasts looking different, so why should I. It will only be him and I that will be looking at them. In my bra....I look fine. I did show my great friend Joy also, and she said they look fine. Am I making a big thing out of nothing?? I am planning on going to a support group, maybe someone there can give me some input.My friend Molly is concerned about chest pain she has been having. I pray for peace for her. Her chest xray came back good. She has been my support, hang in there girl. I feel like everything is going to be o.k with you. God has put you and I through enough in 2008. Lets hope 2009 will be better for both of us.Two of the women Molly has met on the rare cancer site now have had their ACCB ( adenoid cystic carcinoma of the breast) spread to their lungs. This type of cancer has a tendency to do that. That scares the crap out of me!!!!!! Lets hope that does not happen to us. I dealt with this cancer fairly well the first time, and I continue to handle it pretty good, but I am sure how I would react to a second bout of cancer. My friend Sue had said something to me that really has stuck on my brain. "I am her inspiration.". She is proud of the way I have handled things so far. And she said if she ever gets cancer she will be coming to me. I went to see Joys sister today before work. She is going up to Jesus real soon. She told Joy in her dream that Jesus was asking her, "Do You Trust Me?' I had to tell my Joy about my favorite bible verse Proverbs 3 verse 5&6. Trust the Lord with all your heart. I think that verse says it all. The cancer has taking over her whole body. She is such a young women,but she is so strong in her faith. We know where she is going..... Home. Lord Bless Her, and hold he tight!!!!