Tuesday, January 13, 2009
good test results and good hair day!!
Today was a good day. I went to work for a few hours. I have been feeling depressed these last few days. I did go to my cancer doctor (Dr. Alsawah) on Tuesday the 6Th.. I wonder if I did things backwards? I had my breasts removed, started reconstruction surgery.. then I saw the cancer doctor. Seems to me that I would see him first. Oh well, it done with now. I did get good results on my blood work. They took blood and all my lab work came back great, and they did the CA15-3 breast cancer marker test on me. That came back normal. I understand that there is no cure for breast cancer. It can come back at any time, in the same area or somewhere else in my body. I could have cancer cells inside me still, but they are just not showing up at this time. So I guess I can say " I am cancer free at this time." AMEN!. I am all done with my surgeries and I just need to move on. I cannot keep stressing about it and wondering about the what if's. I am alive today and feeling good. I just seem to have this feeling of fear at times. I guess it is hard to explain. Unless you are diagnosed with this disease, you will never understand. My life has changed. My body is different and my mind is different. I think differently, act differently, (and not always on the positive side). I am fortunate that I did not have to do chemo. But then again. If my cancer comes back, I may not make it the second time around. If chemo does not respond to this type of cancer, then what are my options if it does come back? Everyday my mind wonders. I hate the feelings I get. Dr. Alsawah did want me to try an anti-depressant to make me feel better. I do not want to take them, I do not like the feeling of having a pill alter my mind. I just need to keep my faith and pray about it. I did have a good long talk with Keith the other day. He does not really understand what I am going through. I think he thinks it is over, now all should be back to normal. I do not think I ever will be "normal". I try to explain to him how I feel, but he does not seem to get it. He promises to try to be more understanding and I promise not to be so moody. The only problem... can I not be so moody? I cannot help it. I just have lots of mixed emotions right now. I need a vacation. I need to just get away and have some time to get my mind clear. I need lots of love and attention. I feel unloved and ugly at times. He does love me but, I need him to show me more.On the good side, my middle son (Tyler) will be playing in the Silver Sticks Hockey Tournament in a few weeks. It is a big thing for him and us. I love watching my sons play hockey. That does bring joy to me. When I am down and depressed, I just remember...... I have so much to live for. My boys need me. My little one (Jared) is such a sweety. I love my hair to be "played" with. He will ask if he can rub it for me. It feels so good! In the morning he will hold my hand so that " I do not fall down the steps". God Bless his little soul. I am sure my sons do not understand my emotions,so for them I need to clear my mind. I did get to Church this past Sunday. It sure does help me calm down and appreciate what I have. I love my church family. They all are so kind to me. I am going to get back into bible study too. I had to stop going because of hockey. In a few months hockey will be done until next season, so I can start going again. I enjoy learning about my creator. And we always have lots of munchies. As you know.... I love to eat! I did want to ask ... prayers for Diane (Joys sister). She is still surviving. They are keeping her in the hospital for the week. Joy tells me that each day she is getting weaker and weaker and the doctor said it could be days or weeks until he life on earth is over. It is so sad, but then again, Jesus is bringing another one of "his" home. I do know that she is in no pain, Jesus has his hand on her! The cancer has spread throughout her whole body now. But she has faith of a mustard seed. Keeping her eyes on the prize! Prayers to her and her family. I hope one day they have a cure for this disease. I pray my friend Molly is doing well. I pray for her always. My friend, my sister and my support! We are fighting this disease together, and we will beat it! Each day I will acknowledge something I LIKE about myself. Maybe that will help lift my spirits. Today.... I love my hair. Joy cut and colored it for me today. I went a bit darker with no highlights this time. She even waxed my eyebrows and my bit of hair on my lip, lol. I love the color. Thanks Joy. My best friend on this earth. She comforts me with her advice and her care and concern for me. I am luckey to have her in my life. Prayers to her as she remembers her father on his one year anniversery of his death. My God continue to bless you Mr. Moak and R.I.P. Night all!!