Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A weekend alone??? how will I manage?

I find myself reading a beautiful card that Stu sent me, he goes to my Church. He mentions "to pay attention to what you are thinking about". I find myself often thinking the wrong things. His card has helped during rough times. Reminding me to think positive. I am still struggling with these scared, sad, weird feelings. I am still in pain daily, and it is hard not to think about it, but I am trying my best. My cancer doc. told me the pain is from all my nerves being cut in my breasts from my masectomy, and it will eventually go away. I just hope is it sooner than later. I will be heading back in for surgery, to get my expander's put back in, in two weeks. Then it is back to my weekly pump-ups. Hopefully once I heal from being cut open, time #4, and start getting the pump-ups, I will start feeling normal again. I cannot stand looking at my flat, sunken in chest. I am droopy on one side from the pump -ups before. I did get a few mastectomy bras and the prosthesis, but they are uncomfortable because my sides are still swollen and tender, so I just go bra-less, it looks so flat but as least I am more comfortable that way. I have been very moody and just plain hard to get along with lately. I feel bad for my family, but hopefully some day they will understand. This "Journey" in my life has been tough, and it is not over yet! I will be spending time alone for 4 days this weekend, though. I have been doing laundry for the past couple of hours. I am helping my husband and sons get packed for a hockey tournament up in Sault St. Marie. My middle son (Tyler) is playing and Keith is taking Jared ( my youngest) with him too. Jared loves to go to the hotels for the swimming and fun. I decided awhile back that I would stay home this time, to have some alone time. I do have to work on Friday and Sunday and I did not think I would be up for the long drive at this time, about 5 1/2 hours from home.As the weekend is approaching I am feeling kinda sad. I love heading out of town for the tournaments. Eating out all weekend, watching Tyler play hockey and no cleaning is fun, fun, fun! I just have to remember that there will be more tournaments to come. Hopefully I will be feeling better for the next one. In the meantime, I will focus on relieving my stess and enjoying the time alone, I do not get that very often. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I had a whole day to myself, let alone four days. I need to enjoy myself. This will help me get back on track with my "non smoking" too. I had a set back last week and I had a few days that I smoked. I am on day two of trying again to quit. Having Thursday through Sunday to myself will help. I am going to a breast cancer luncheon on Saturday. That will be a nice time. My life insurance lady, Diane, (she also goes to my Church), announced last Sunday that Women's Life Insurance has offered to have a 50-50 fundraiser for me, to help with my medical bills. And to top it off, they will match the donations up to 500.00. I think that is so wonderful. She is such a kind,caring lady. I appreciate that she brought my situation up at the club meeting. I have many medical bills that I am making monthly payments on, so it will be nice to pay some of them off, less stress is good!Diane also makes sure I get my insurance payments in. She will call and remind me If I am late. I just love that about her. I have surely been blessed having her as my agent and friend from Church. It looks like Keith may be back up on hours, for the time being. That is a good feeling. He is working up front, on the CNC machines. I need to realize that God will take care of us and not get myself so worked up when times are tight. I should be fortunate that Keith and I both have jobs. Times are tight for many people now. I have been working more hours at work. Lots of babies being born. I often think.... to have the life of a baby, no worries at all. My job brings a smile to my face often. but then again, I am only there part time. I will be going to a work meeting tomorrow night. It is out of town so, I will car pool with my partner at work, Sharon. The company will be feeding us dinner (Olive Garden, Yum). I got a nice comment from a women who has this same rare cancer. Her name is Kristina and she read my blog and was kind enough to give me great advice about chemo. Pretty much the same think Molly has been telling me. I look forward to hearing from her again. I finally got on to the site where there are message boards on this rare cancer. I have been trying for awhile. For some reason I was having trouble, but I am good to go now. I do not feel so alone now. I will be able to read stories from other women, going through the same thing I am and also get advice. I will spend some time this weekend reading the posts again. Thanks to my ACC sister, Molly for informing me about the site. And thanks to Kristina for her concern for me. It means so much to me.My decision is made.... no chemo for me. Now, to have peace with my decision. I just pray it never ever comes back.My friend Joy is on my heart, like she is often. She had a birthday recently. She is 49 and looking great.Unlike her, I did not make a special trip to her home to give her her gift (she always brings mine to my house) I will give it to her next weekend. I hope she understands,I know she understands! I talk to her often about my problems. She pretty much knows my life story. I laugh often because she reminds me of something that has happened in my life, lol. Good thing I got her around, what a great friend. She know times have been rough for me these last few weeks. I did get another beautiful card from her, reminding me to focus on our Creator.I hate to repeat myself, but, I am so lucky to have a friend like her in my life. I can count on her for anything! I know I mentioned it before but, I cannot wait until next weekend. Her daughter is getting married. It will be a beautiful wedding.I keep Joy's sister in my prayers often too, she battling cancer and does not have much time to live. Seems that cancer is everywhere. The wonderful thing, if there is anything wonderful about cancer, sickness and death,... she is a Christian. God has her home all prepared! This women has the peace that I long for.Joys mom is doing much better now too, she was in the hospital again and now has been put on a feeding tube. She is one strong lady. And Joy has been helping take care of her so that she is able to stay in her home during her older years. One thing about Joy, she has a heart of gold and she cares! I did watch the debates tonight... I will not say who I am voting for. I just hope The Lord guides whoever wins, we sure need his help. Times are only gonna get worse before it gets better. This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I hope all my friends are getting their mamograms. I remind my friend Sue often to make her appointment. She gets annoyed at me sometimes but, oh well. I care about her.I need to get to bed. but I will be back tomorrow.

1 comment:

Molly Brawley said...

Well hello Lady! We must be living our lives and not having time to blog so much. First of all, i am very proud of you for still not smoking...forget the setback...but know that right now especially for the healing process with your expanders you have to stay smoke free. Who the heck would want to quit smoking in the most stressful time of their life??? But you have to and you will. I so admire how you have handled all the stress of your surgeries--mine were pretty uneventful--and I know how stressful that was. My friend here is about two weeks away from getting her implant--expansion went pretty well but she too had some problems but now all is good. I saw my plastic surgeon last week and and in December I will have the actual nipple sewn in/up/on??? I decided the color of that tattoo was's a little pale but then again so is the other one! TMI I am sure! Also, I don't know if I weighed in on the implants but I will tell you that I did a lot of research on the new silicone implants and was very satisfied that they are safe. I have a MENTOR implant if you want to research that...they have memory gel and don't leak. Some say they feel more natural than saline. I don't know but my silicone one is very realistic feeling.

When I was going through my crap a year ago I could not stand to be alone. Even this past summer being away from work made my mind have too much time to think and then I would think bad things so I always avoid being alone. I would google and read too much and freak out. i am much better now but understand what you are going through I think.

Right now I am having some really strange pains in the implant side--lots of lightening bolt pains and burning sensations. Not sure what it is. It sort of reminds me of the day I woke up when I found the whole breast hurt, under my arm even, and carried on that way for about two days...then just the lump hurt. When I see my breast surgeon in November, I think I will ask for that MRI I was supposed to have...i keep thinking about our other acc sister in California (who I met on the rare cancer forum) who just had a recurrence. UGH.

Have you had a chance to read all the posts on the rare cancer site? I would say that since I was diagnosed 5 people have joined that have been diagnosed. Not so rare as they once thought. I wonder how many people have gone undiagnosed or treated for another cancer?

Hang in there Steph--you are doing GREAT with this insane journey we have been forced to travel!